Ultimate Collection of Funny Deadpool Movie Quotes

From the very start to the absolute end of both Deadpool and Deadpool 2, the movies are full of witty, shocking and damn right funny lines. Ryan Reynolds does a cracking job as Deadpool and they are easily the funniest comic book movies out there. There are just so many funny quotes that we had to put them all together in an ultimate collection of both movies. We eagerly await Deadpool 3!

All of the quotes below are said by Deadpool or Wade Wilson. There also may be some spoilers!

Deadpool Quotes

“From the studio that inexplicably sewed his fucking mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… me! Deadpool.”

“I know right? You’re probably thinking, “Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie”? I can’t tell you his name, but it rhymes with ‘Polverine’.”

“Yeah, it’s me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can’t refuse. I’m gonna wait out here, okay? It’s a big house. It’s funny that I only ever see two of you. It’s almost like the studio couldn’t afford another X-Man.”

“Looks are everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? It’s like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?”

“A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break? That’s like, sixteen walls.”

“Now, I’m about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.”

“Time to make the chimi-fuckin’-changas.”

“You’re probably thinking, “My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie but that guy in the suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!” Well, I may be super, but I’m no hero. And yeah, technically, this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that’s exactly what this is, a love story. And to tell it right… I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex.”

“Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven’s Gate-looking motherfucker… on that day, I’ll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request!”

“Here’s what I’m actually gonna do? I’m gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, and then put a bullet in his skull and fuck the brain hole.”

“Whatever they did to me made me totally indestructible… and completely unfuckable.”

“Wait! You may be wondering, “Why the red suit?” Well, that’s so bad guys can’t see me bleed. This guy’s got the right idea. he wore the brown pants.”

“Here’s the thing. Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled programming.”

“Your right leg is Thanksgiving and your left leg is Christmas. Can I come and visit you between the holidays?”

“Listen Al, if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. I also buried 1,600 kilos of cocaine somewhere in the apartment – right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck.”

“Okay guys, I only have twelve bullets, so you’re all going to have to share!”

“This is confusing. Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real… blurry!”

“I’ve been traveling to exotic places, Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people.”

“She’s like Robin to my Batman, except she’s old, and black, and blind. And I think she’s in love with me. Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too.”

“Welcome to Sister Margaret’s. It’s like a job fair for mercenaries. Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. You’d best hope we never see your name on a gold card.”

“Goddammit! I’m gonna do this the old-fashioned way: with two swords, and maximum effort.”

Deadpool 2 Quotes

“I know what you’re thinking: “I’m so glad I left the kiddos at home.” But that’s where you’d be wrong. That babysitter of yours is high as fuck right now. And believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film. True story. And every big family film starts… with a vicious murder. Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.”

“With this collar on, my superpower is just unbridled cancer. Give me a bow and arrow and I’m basically Hawkeye.”

“Sorry I’m late. There was a bunch of handicapable children stuck in a tree. I had to…”

“You’re so dark. Are you sure you’re not from the DC universe?”

“No, I’m sorry that you said that while making heavy eye contact and applying lip balm.”

“Well, I’m not even going to attempt that. But I did take eighth grade Spanish, so donde esta la biblioteca? Which literally translates to: I don’t bargain, pumpkin-fucker.”

“Only best buddies execute pedophiles together.”

“Come on. Pelvis to pelvis. Let’s go tip to tip. There we go, the kids call this docking.”

“You know what we need to do? We need to build a fucking team. We need ’em tough, morally flexible, and young enough so they can carry this franchise 10-12 years.”

“Seriously, I don’t get it! What, you shoot luck lasers out your eyes? It’s just hard to picture. And certainly not very cinematic. I mean, luck? What coked-out, glass pipe-sucking freak show comic book artist came up with that little chestnut? Probably a guy who can’t draw feet!”

“Cable, you get back to your family and you tell them Wade says hi. And promise me, promise me one thing: that you’ll start judging people not by the color of the skin but by the content of their character.”

“Because I’ve been inside you. That came out wrong. I’ve been inside your shoes, which is also off-putting.”

“Good news and bad news. Bad news is the whole team is dead. The good news is I don’t think anyone is gonna miss Shatterstar, he was a bit of a prick.”

“Isn’t that how it always works? Like in Star Wars, men are destined to become their father? And have consensual sex with their sister?”

“Oh? So you’re from the future? I have three questions, then. One: is dubstep still a thing? Two: which Sharknado are we on? And three: at what point will the audience say “enough with the robotic arms”?”

“What do you get when you take 8-feet of chrome, one pinch of courage, a cup of good luck, a dab of racism, a splash of diabetes, and a wheelbarrow of stage 4 cancer? Answer: A family. See? I didn’t lie what kind of film this was. If there’s anything you take away today – other than the need to google “what the fuck is dubstep” – it’s that we all need to belong to someone.”

“He’s teamed up with the Juggernaut. The Juggernaut! That’s, like, my favorite Marvel character ever, but you should never meet your heroes, because honestly, he’s a bit of a dick! And like a lot of dicks, he’s as hard as a rock, and causes nothing but problems!”

“Four or five moments. That’s all it takes to be a hero. People think you wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, ejaculate into a soap dispenser a hero. But now, being a hero, it’s only a few moments. Few moments doing the ugly stuff no one else will do.”

“Fuck Wolverine. First he rides my coattails with the R-rating, and then, that hairy motherfucker ups the ante by dying. What a dick. Well, guess what, Wolvie? I’m dying in this one, too.”

“Is that a fanny pack? I used to have one of those in nineteen-ninety-never.”

“You know what? Doing the right thing is sometimes messy, and fucked up, and not particularly convenient. So, stay here in Chateau de Virgin while we go get our fuck on!”

“In every film, there’s a moment when the hero hits rock bottom. In “Cool Runnings,” it was when John Candy’s prized bobsled broke. In “Human Centipede,” it was when those people signed on to be in that movie. But in this film, well, you’re looking at it. Rock, meet Bottom.”

“You got me. I was rounding up all the gluten in the world and launching it into space where it can’t not hurt us ever again.”

There you have it, the ultimate collection of Deadpool quotes from both movies. Bring on Deadpool 3 we say!

 

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